finally

i have finally decided to get back on the wagon of thinness. i hate being fat. period. i know i haven't posted anything or been on in about 6 months now (school work is KILLING me) but i want to change. i got that weird spazzy thought in my head today. you know: where you are just like, "no, i'm not going to eat, it feels weird."

i have been pretty much being a pig for my long month vacation from my quest for perfection. but thankfully (THANKFULLY!!!) i haven't gained anything (til now because of the stupid holidays). but for the most part i have remained the same, considering i've been a total pig.

but i'm ready to start anew. i hate my fatness and i envy those who are thin. i'm ready to turn myself around. a new me.

p.s. i have a goal date!! yay! i think that was what i was missing before when i attempted to lose. i am going on a cruise during spring break (march 15-20ish?) around then. i WILL be 130 or less by then. it's a long way to go but i'm sitting here feeling the fat all around me and its disgusting. everyone says i'm not fat. my parents think i'm crazy that i think i'm fat. but i am. i will be thin - finally.

follow up

a comment asked why i was being weighed with my sis... we just had a check up together. haha mom is very cheap.

so far so good today... only had a cracker and water.

hate hate hate!

i broke into tears at the doctors office today. it was horrible to hear this.. my turn... 5'5" 155 lbs. sisters turn... 5'7" 125 lbs. oh my god i was so sad. one because i know i am not 5'5 i am 5'6 and i will never be 5'9 like im supposed to be and mainly i cried because my stupid sister is so thin. i want to be her. and today while i am full i weighed in at 158. i am so close to touching my old top weight.

i will be thin. i will starve tomorrow. i will go on a total complete water fast. my dad is muslim so i can just say its practice fasting. i hate myself so much i feel so fat and i want to be thin. i hate hate hate myself.

i will be at my goal of now.. i upped it to 130 bc im so fat. by christmas at the very least.

now i need to start back up and read blogs on here. i've just been too lazy. and fat.

thanks all.

just get right back up again.

i really don't know how much i love writing and blogging about my struggles until i actually sit down and do it.

today i went out to eat, it was horrible. my grandmother came and she is almost as obsessed with her weight as i am, except she's fatter. she is about 5'9" and she wants to be 154. it was devastating to me because here i am at 5'6" weighing that much and she insists on saying i am not fat. but you know what, she basically just called me fat right there, and unintentionally.

i know i can do it. starting tomorrow i am going on a short trip so i will try and control and restrict then. that always seems to work. i'm scared because i am on the verge of 158 right now.

sorry thinforever, i kinda bailed out on the comp but i think i'll do this in my mental state for a little. just until i get back on my feet.

thanks to all for the support, ruby, your comment seemed to help me write this today :)

wow...

for some odd reason it seems like if i fast...and then for two days i don't care... i lose... has that ever happened to y'all?

i dunno my body is weir - in a bad way.

also i gained and i am so ashamed i'm not even gonna post it until i get back to where i was. i dunno i just kinda... lost myself.

all i have to say

wow 27 followers is A LOT. i really appreciate the support. i'm still stuck and i feel as if i am letting all of you down by not having any results. and believe me, i am letting my own self down. also what is odd is that if i only eat when i am hungry and never become full during the course of the day, i can usually shave of .2 or .4 of a pound by the next morning. weird huh?

got back from yearbook camp, surrounded by crazies and also skinny people. ahhh. well, i walked with a few chunkies and they made me look a little better, but then i feel snobby and bitchy so ugh...

not much to say, i'm really dreading school starting i hate school, putting on this fake smile and you know. the usual. not to mention i am surrounded by crazy people and smart people and i would never measure up. only if i am thin, will i truly succeed.

AHHHH! i feel as if i owe everyone a super long post too because i have been gone so long! but hey i'll be posting just not everyday.

PIC: lookbook once again, legs :)

all that work for nothing.

sigh* i worked so hard not to binge or eat too much these last two days. friday was tough because we ate out twice. italian place and then salad place. only had a salad and about 1/2 cup of soup then later i had a chicken salad sandwich but i had to sneak and c&s into a napkin so my stupid stepgrandmother would think that i was eating more than i was.

uggg i even saw a hard core ana at the pool we went to. oh... she was sooo thin. my fatass stepgrandma even said oh look she's anorexic. and made a face. ha well i wonder what she would think if she found out that i was ednos!

i worked so hard. i did have to feel full a few times yuck. now i just woke up and weighed in at 152.8 gosh darn. i do think that it is just water weight but no chances. today i will do a partial fast because i am getting so much better at resisting the temptation of food. i will be under 150 by the time camp rolls around next week.

Oh and i found out how much my sister claims to weigh. she is 5'6 and 110 lbs. or so she says. no she's not. her ass is huge and she is pretty big-boned. i really don't believe her. and i have experience with height weight ratios. she is flat out lying. grrrr...

PIX: lookbook once again. makes me want a space between my legs.

???

okay so i woke up did the usual... then i weighed myself. 150.8??? well i think you were right pokerface!! the scale said 153 after all the water i drank, so i know it was only water weight but now i am 150.8 :) and yeah i am totally gonna be 141.4 by august. at the very least.

i was thinking on binging today, but no i will not. i must stay strong. i am going to go to my evil step grandmother's house today and spend the weekend uggg... and not ugg because i hate her - ugg because this means we will be eating out basically every meal except maybe breakfast and lunch. and she keeps the best food in her pantry too.

at least we will be running around town alot and i think i might be able to go shopping. i really wanna buy a pair of size 4 jeans so that i can rejoice when they finally fit me! that should get me revved up to not eat!

thanks for the support - i won't be able to post though... at all this weekend until maybe sunday morning :) oh and to thinforever - i think my intake was about 500 and i was lazy and didn't exercise... damn. well. good luck guys, have a thinfriday.

still the same

ugg all that fasting and still nothing. i am still following my abc diet and also thinforever has added me to their weight loss comp!! so 10 pounds before august 25, that's pretty doable. no binging! so i am back on restricting today. i just had 1/4 of a banana and 39 cals of grapes (each is 3 cals) and now i am drinking come water. you know, yesterday i didn't feel hungry at all and i think its because i drank so much water!

ugg i really can't stress to myself that i need to be under 150. i have been that same weight or around it for almost 3/4 of a year now. i hate that. it means high school so far has been fat. well not anymore. and since doing that fast. i have found that i like to binge at night. during the day i had control and at night i almost lost it. i did have to chew and spit some crap last night though, so i guess it wasn't a total fast. but that said, i think i did well!

-this is the beginning of my REAL weight loss. no binge days. i can't have cake or cookies. and today is 500 calorie day. i think i will try and eat less though. i need to be 130 and thats my normal people goal. i really want to be 110 or 120!! ahhh ok thanx gals. i am going to go stare at thinspo and get into my brain that i am a fat ass... good luck honeys!

RULE: no food until my mom gets home from work. thats at like 7. yeah. i like that. it keeps me actually wanting my mom to come home haha!

fast update

hey, here's a quick update!

it's the middle of the day and i haven't eaten anything!! not even "cheating" nibbles and i haven't c&s'ed! yes! usually by now i have given in and nibble or c&s'ed but nope! i am so proud so far but i can't celebrate. I feel like i might give in but then i just think of fat. i can do this. i might even be able to pull this off for day two, maybe even three!! i just gotta keep my mind off of food and stay busy :)

i hate food

i hate it sooo much i could probably murder it. i wish it was the other way around; eat whatever i want and get skinnier. look at this picture. which one looks the best? well duh, the one on the left. right now i feel like the one on the far right. i hate having fat just blubbering around and uggg..

okay well i'm glad i got that out of me. yesterday was horrible, if you read my last post. and i plan to put it behind me. i figure if i can fast hardcore today, i can keep it up until camp. also, it may be annoying but these are my thoughts, i talk about my skinny sister alot. she's like my inspiration, she's me skinnier with a different face. i asked her what she ate yesterday and she said this: oh my god nothing! haha i like was so caught up in this book i totally forgot to eat. no honey, you don't forget to eat. at least if you're me: thinking about food 24/7 and how i'm going to avoid the next meal. uggg she doesn't eat anything and i am soo jealious because it's like she doesn't even try. she just forgets to eat. on a brighter note, i only gained .4 of a pound after all this.

well. that is me today, i have never felt more like not eating in my life. maybe i'm not ana, but i'm for sure ED-NOS. there. that's all i have to say... hopefully you all are doing better.

P.S. i'm also wondering if laxatives work, for those who use 'em? i use to when i had some around the house, but i wasn't sure when to take them. THANX :) peace. love. thin.

ohhhhhhhh my god...

o my god this will be the shortest post ever. i really effed up this time. i was doing so well also.. damn it. i really wanna fast but i can't. i have no control. i am doomed to be a fat ass forever. i have been stuck at 150 lbs for a whole year and it comes off easy but it comes back on easier. i am sitting here looking at my sister who has eaten who knows what (and i don't think i've seen her eat anything) while i've downed three bowls of cereal (c&s but still full) in less than one hour. this day that today is my last day of freedom. i have given into the last meal syndrome. i hate myself. stay stronger than me. please.

more restriction

hey girlies, so today is gonna be another partial fast. i already had some bread. but i have been drowning down water and crystal light (cal free kind). did horrible yesterday. well not that bad, its just if i i say i did okay then i will think i can so the same today... and we don't want that to happen.

i basically drank only water, which made it hard to tell if i was water full or food full. but i am getting the hang of being able to tell the difference. when i'm food full, the bottom of my stomach bulges out more and when i am water full, i just feel bloated but don't look it. i don't know maybe i'm weired but that''s how it is for me.

i plan on following my abc diet. so i think to be on the safe side i need to redo day two of the plan. its scary because there is a fasting day coming up soon!! and its soooo hard for me to fast. in one of my other posts i explained how i hate to fast and i like to restrict. i know restriction works because i used to be 10 lobs heavier :)

PIC: sorry no pic today, i just look at some of the oler ones i post :) tomorrow should be a double day though!! good luck to all!!

getting closer..

well i lost a pound, and i hadn't weighed since yesterday. and yesterday i weighed when i was full of water and a little food. i know i am doing okay when even at that time, i weigh less than i used to! but i can't get cocky. i know that once i get under 148, my mind will think oh haha now she can have food. but i won't let that happen. and i don't want any of you guys to let that happen to you either. yes, you know what i am talking about. its like last meal syndrome. you starve starve starve and then in about 3 binge/bad days we gain it all back. but this time i feel a sense of control (perhaps the crystal light makes water fun??). i don't know but whatever it is i'm loving it.

i think i wil try a partial fast today. so i won't eat anything until after 5pm. i hope i can at least manage that. it will help because i always seem to be in the mood for practicing lax nowadays and the only thing i can even think of comsuming afterwards is water/crystal light.

well good luck honeys :) i know we can do this and i need support. bye - i need to go comment on everyone's blogs now!!! and i think that all this restriction will count towards my ABC diet!! so i'll start on that!

PIC: lookbook - skinny even when she's sitting in that position, what a dream...

yay yay i'm doing okay!

well that's me! i didn't eat anything but bread and diet soda yesterday and a few handfuls of cheerios. i know i said that i must not eat anything but for me that is soooo difficult. i love feeling water full though. and that's exactly what i felt like all day! it totally makes up for the mexican food i ate for my aunts b-day on friday.

and today is going well too! i ate a piece of hershey bar (you know how its split into peices i had about 3 of those... horrible but its not that bad i could have eaten the whole bar!!) and i c&s some bread. my mom got about three packs of crystal light too so i should be set for the next week of staying at home alone and staring at the kitchen all day. i've also been pretty active too: practicing lacrosse with my skinny sister whenever i can. it makes me feel better that i can play it and she completely sucks at it (but she's skinny so that definitely makes up for it).

sorry i haven't been commenting on any of your blogs! but don't get me wrong i am reading them like clockwork everyday. all of your triumphs have really been a big help to me and my weight loss. and i promise to post some thinspo tomorrow. nothing was jumping out at me today :)

lose lose lose it all honeys!!

i am fat. i must not eat.

i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am faaatttttt. i willllll nottt eat!!!
i typed that. no copy and paste. i know i didn't type much but today i am in a new mindset after slipping into an old pair of jeans i had. hmmm did i just say slipping? aheemm.. what i really meant was struggling. pushing. pulling. and then i looked in the mirror. big fat love handles. and THEN, my sister walks in to straighten her hair. oh my god. i thought she wasn't that skinny, but... in her skinny jeans she has model thin legs. it put me in such a bad mood. and now i am comepletely determined to be thin. i guess it never really occured to me that i was that fat until i put on some tighter fitting clothes (it's summer so i have just been wearing athletic shorts and big tees). i am huge!

i think that's all that i have to say. although it seems like if i wake up and blog in the morning it seems so set me up for a whole day. i really love all of your comments and thank you sooo much for your help. i look forward to reading what you have posted this lovely morning during which i feel exceptionally piggish :( ugh. i'm sorry also if all of my post have been sounding like complete failures but i know this will be one of the last few.tomorrows post i will have fasted for one day!! second fasting a full day in my whole life!! wooohooo!

PICs: fashiontoast.com - these girls are so lucky to have legs that thin. and look at what tori spelling is eating! i mean seriously?! but she's thin. unlike moi... but i will!

drink kroger crystal light.

yeah that title is like a reminder to go and ride my bike to kroger today. i need some more of that crystal light powder. and what's great is that the kroger brand has ZERO cals while the regular and more expensive crystal light has FIVE! and in the quantity that i eat it in, that adds up!

so i'm trying to drink a ton of water today. you know like challenge myself to drink it and then see if i neeeedd food. take that! i already c&s some cereal and chips so today can't be a fast day (which i've only managed about once in my entire life!) what the freak?

well i really don't have that much to say. i guess i'll update you with yesterday. i ate only fruit. only. which is ok i guess. considering two apples and a bunch or strawberries and grapes. i also can't keep myseld from c&sing cereal in the morning too... i practiced lax for a while too, burned at least 100 i'd say.

hope your weight loss pirsuit is going better than mine...

PIC: love leighton meester, sooo pretty and THIIIN....

food: use sparingly

sparingly is exactly how i intend to eat. i am so afraid to be fat. i think it really doesn't help that my own mother is overweight. it just scares me even more. but today is different. i am not going to eat anything and i need to learn to embrace hunger. i'm so sick of looking at the scale (in the morning too!) and not seeing my fat ass lose any weight.

I had a glass of water today and a spoonful of jelly (i have no idea what i was thinking??). i mean about two weeks ago i wasn't afraid to give up food. it's like my drug of choice. some people smoke some so pot, you know. but what many don't understand is that eating is addicting. it kills dreams of thin. i hate food so much except for the fact that i am attached to it. i even went back to C&S binging the other day... ugg that is sooo disgusting! i am so quitting on food. i hate it, it hates my thighs and my scale.i need to be afraid of it. i'm through wiht food.

every other day.

hey again. sorry this blog has become an every other day posted blog... i haven't really been able to get to my computer lately. but i'm still the same, my weight hasn't moved one ounce. i guess that's a good thing, but on the other hand, i'm still 150... so that's not good either. i really need to get back on track. i'm almost doubting my mind now. i wish i could beat some food sense into my head with a stick so that i wouldn't eat today. but you know what, i may have already had a bowl of cereal and two potato chips but... i can start NOW. i think cereal is enough for one day. ok... just water all the way. i have to drink at least one glass every hour.

thanks again for the support gals. also i really need ot start blogging daily again because that really seems to keep me on track. i think that i have been so afraid of fat these few weeks that i am too scared to weight myself. its like if i don't weigh then... its like i can eat whatever i want. ok another new rule... weigh more than 3 times a day. spread it out too (this is me talking to myself haha)... that way (even though its water weight) it keeps telling me that hell no you aren't gonna weigh 150 at the start of school - you will weigh at least 140. only ten pounds. thats pretty much more than doable if you ask me.

PIC: from lookbook once again. i get almost all of my thinspo from there :) wish me luck! and i wish all of you even more luck in your fasting expeditions.

let myself go.

oh my god. i have really let myself go. i am so afraid to look at the scale right now. i know its back up to 150. i was doing so well too. i don't have that much to say right now, except that i just got back from my friend's 4th party and i ate cake. i ate cake! and half a hot dog and rolos. its soo easy to get caught up in eating when all of your friends are and then they stare at you and wonder why you aren't eating anything. i hate myself. i feel like the fattest pig ever.

also, my sister decided to wear a tank today and she looks soooo skinny. i am so jealous of her. and she is now even a little bit taller than me, even though she is younger. ugg. she has everything. and my father always makes stupid jokes about how i eat too much (even though i'm not really eating i'm c&s'ing it). ugg i really feel fat just writing this. i know how horrible it feels to be full. i'm sorry i'm so down girls, i just hope i can not eat anything from now on...

water... water everywhere

yesterday was one of my good restriction days, although i hate when i try to fast and it turns into restriction. it makes me feel like i have no control. anyway, i ate fewer than 300 cals yesterday even with a small bowl of sherbet that my mother forced me to eat. i can now say that i am under 150. even if i did weigh in the morning, but that's when i always weigh myself.

i even found this magic jump rope workout (i love my jump rope and it magically burns 10 cals a minute) on fitness magazine that will burn 100 cals in 10 minutes!!! and its soo hard but i did it and i plan on doing it more than once per day. i'm thinking like at lease 4 times or everytime i get the urge to eat.

also my family had to go to some chinese buffet yesterday (what is it with them and chinese??!!) and there was so much food. so i just thought of it as good practice for when i fast and restrict. i sat back and watched the table while everyone else stuffed their faces and i chugged about 3 glasses of water in less than 3 minutes (including thie time it took for the waitress to refill it). i was so full and all i could eat where some mini mushrooms and broccoli. I was very proud of myself, until i let myself have a whol spring roll. oh well, i guess it could have been an EGG roll.

new reverse thinso web guys... this is why you're fat.
no no!! i didn't call you fat, i mean that's the name of the blog. i don't know about you but most of the food they post on here makes me sick and not want to eat a burger ever again. i hope it works for you all and doesn't cause a relapse. WARNING - VERY UNHEALTHY FOOD IMAGES CONTAINED IN BLOG... VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK...

yes i think all that food is disgusting. but anyway, thats all i have to say. oh and i lost another pound! probably water weight. but i can't wait until i can fast again.

P.S. thanks everyone for all the fasting info, especially eva!!

peace ☮ & thin ♥

Hey gals, this is just a thinspo post, i was getting anxious/bored/hungry so i had to hold myself back. hope it helps more than just me! and i'll make another post about yesterday and my day a little later today, i just felt like posting thinspo. stay thin!

lookbook.nu

shelleyochjoachim.blogg.se

lookbook.nu

lookbook.nu

lookbook.nu

lookbook.nu

lookbook.nu

everything is o.k. (maybe)

well yesterday didn't go so well. and i feel like i failed ya'll because you think i'm so in control! i started to reread some of my other posts and yeah it seems like that but i am horrible at keeping track. also it seems that the only thing i can eat/drink for breakfast is tea - otherwise i start binging the rest of the day. it's like, if i only drink tea, it sets me up well for the remainder of the day.

water fast today. i gained .6 of a pound and i was literally freaking. i even weighed in the morning! ugg... i am soooo fat. i am also hoping that when i lose the rest of this weight my cup size will shrink too (i'm a C) i have this old bra from 3 years ago (B-cup) and i can't wait until i can fit into it.

i am somewhat satisfied with my eating right now because my stomach is growling and empty. well time to get some more tea. see you later honeys and enjoy the thinspo :)

P.S. if any of you girls have any fasting tips... PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!! i am pretty good at everything ana but fasting is my weakness! anything to keep your mind off food, liquid fasts, anything would help. please comment. thanks so much, you all keep me going every morning.

1st PIC: The Satorialist

anne valerie hash fall 2008 couture

Numero Tokyo March 09 - photo credit: tfs

Numero Tokyo March 09 - photo credit: tfs

Le Flassh

restriction is the way to go

haha, i'm in somewhat of a good mood today, seeing as i lost another pound! but i still can't stop. in the past, when i used to be a binge eater, i would starve starve starve and restrict until i lost about 5 lbs and then i would feel like i needed to reward myself and i would eat one bowl of ice cream. but one became two and two became three. pretty soon, i was on an all out binge and the next day i pretty much gained it all back.

but not anymore. i am sober. i am clean. i have had tea, some mini orange slices, and a bite of cereal and hunger has still not set in. i'm not hungry yet, so that can sometimes throw me off a bit. but i think i can allow myself 100 more cals and then go to sleep. sleep is the best way to keep my mind off of food.

i've found that i'm really not up to fasting right now. i think i'll go for a little more restriction before i start a full on, hardcore fast. i am pretty good at liquid fasting though - because i usually drink about 160 oz of hot tea and the warm liquid going down my throat seems to fill me up faster (cal free, of course).

hahaha wow i'm in a good mood. and i'll be in an even better mood when i start feeling hungry :) because for every second i'm hungry, that's one less fraction of a pound not on my fat thighs anymore. happy fasting/restricting/dieting everyone!

also (random and has nothing to do with dieting)... i LOVE this giraffe-print tote from Dooney and Bourke. its even under $200 which is pretty good for such a large bag from Dooney. sorry to get off topic but how could i not say something about this amazing bag!? (promise-no more straying off topic!!)

P.S. Thanks once again to the new followers and your comments really do keep me going. i'm so glad i started this blog!

PIC's: i love dakota fanning, she's a little younger than me but close enough to where i can still relate and she's sooooo pretty and thin! the second one below is from a blog called "because i'm addicted". beautiful photo :)

pretty much (im)possible

well that's how i felt when i got a look at the delectable asian cuisine staring me in the face at the dinner table. but i had control. i even had to do the cup thing where you pretend to be drinking but you're spitting everything you "ate" into it. i could tell that my parents knew something was wrong. i mean i even refused ice cream! to them, i'm their girl who eats way too much and then my sister on the other hand eats next to nothing. i tried eating exactly what she ate when i wasn't ana but i think i just got too hungry and started to binge.

but i still restricted like crazy. i mean i probably ate less than 200, which for a new ana like me is amazing. i already know i'm not fasting today - already ate a very small bite of cereal w/milk. i do know that i am steadily losing about a pound everyday. i just need to keep this up.

PIC: i find emma watson to be gorgeous thinspo for me! this is from her covershoot for teen vogue.

P.S. thanks to everyone who commented on my last post or is following me, yes, we are all in this together ;)

more thinspo please!

decided to start a fast today. so i needed some serious thinspiration. i know i can get through this day at the least. i might have to c&s though b/c i'm supposed to be going out for chinese later today. for the love of god, why did it have to be chinese.

whatis reality anyway

Bik Bok s/s 09 campiagn

Spur Magazine - July issue


Alexander Wang's Fall 2008 Runway

hungry feels sooo good

i know i haven't actually gotten the courage to actually start a full blown fast. i mean, i still need to work on restricting myself exponentially first. then i can start my fast. i'm actually hoping that i will be able to start it on this monday.

i am in a much better mood than yesterday. i can restrict and not feel an addicting pull towards food. so i'll just tell a little back story on how i came to adopt this ED. i used to be a horrible binge eater until a few months ago. so basically, i ate away my feelings of being insecure and feeling horribly fat. which to me, now, seems extremely stupid because if you think you're fat - DO SOMETHING!!! anyway. you could probably call me one of those ana's who just woke up and felt this weird feeling in their minds and hearts; because that is exactly what happened. i don't know the date but a few weeks ago i just woke up on a really cold, rainy morning (haha so cliche right?) and i decided that eating was stupid and unessential. i didn't eat the whole day and by the end i was shaking so hard i could hardly write an essay in class.

but it felt so... empowering. it felt good. i felt like for every instant i was hungry i was one step closer to being thinner and in turn, happier. to me thin=happy. and so now here i am now, and many lbs lighter, ana. btw, i never did try purging, i just couldn't do it... too disgusting.

I don't want to say everything that is on my mind though because I am still skeptical about letting my mind wander on this thing... Maybe when I am older I can publish this into a book and then sell it for millions of dollars as a national bestseller. I hope - correction- I will keep this blog till the end of time. Until my fingers bleed and I am diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel, I will blog.

P.S. never thought of it that way, Cat. now i am that skinny i guess... well good!

PIC: found this gorgeous girl surfing the web... ugh. that would probably be me skinnier.

lets have a party.

well.... im really starting to understand the full of this disease and its entirety. i love it. but at the same time i despise it. its like my relationship with food. i love the taste of butter and chocolate on the tip of my tongue and yet it is enmity that i cant even stand to eat it and i can never enjoy it.

i went to one of my best girlfriend's parties today. it was terrible having to be pressured to eat. now i know exactly what all of you girls mean when you say that other people can ruin your streak. so i actually had to eat half a burger. and even with eating a half of one and a bag of chips they still were like... wow, your so anorexic. i mean seriously! ITS LIKE ANYONE WHO DOESN'T EAT IS AUTOMATICALLY DUBBED... anorexic. it really hurt because at this point in time its true.

so not only that but at her party i find out that my ex forwarded my post breakup txt meant for him to every girl (maybe even guy) in his effing address book. I even told him in it that we could get back together if he proved himself. wont ever happen.

then later after lunch, everyone decided it would be a great idea to talk a walk in their bikinis. i swear. THEY ARE ALL SO FAT, why would they. not only that but it is extremely immodest when half the world is staring at your fat ass in a bathing suit in your neighborhood. so i wore a shirt at the least and we took this slut walk together.

*sigh... i'll just call this a sad post. i mean i'm really disappointed in myself and my friends and my ex. well... tomorrow is another day.

P.S. thank you CAT for finding my blog and yeah... i am beginning to understand now. it isn't some glam skinny bitch's life, its hell.

PIC: the epitome of thin...

decided to make this work

Hey again gals, actually this is the first actual post that is public. I actually want to make this blog work for me. I need to use this as an outlet; to channel my fear, anger, and rants on being thin. My life for me with this blog is anonymous. I'll keep this post short and simple, I want to be thin and I haven't eaten anything all day. I am officially not a wanna-rexic. I have an eating disorder. And it isn't all it's cracked up to be. But I'll record anything I feel or think here, if anyone would take the time to read it (I don't mind, my computer screen can hear just fine...). So it would mean alot to me to follow it. I'm new to this feeling of enjoying hunger; I need support.

Thanks to all, if anyone reads this

PS - this is not a dud of a blog where I will write once a month. I will track everything. stay posted... this isn't the end of me, it's the beginning

damn you lacrosse

There, i cursed. not even really that bad of a curse. so heres what happened. i went to a 4 day lacrosse camp (more like boot camp). it was 6 hours for 4 days in the sweltering heat. for me this was like ana paradise. it was like exercising and sweating for more than 6 hours the day and whenever i exercise it makes me not want to eat!! but it was still too good to be true. at the end of camp i felt so exhausted on the last day that i went to wataburger. freakin... WATABURGER. i had the biggest freaking burger with bacon and cheese and a large french fry... oh my god what was I thinking. I know what i was thinking. you worked so hard honey... you deserve this. no i didn't. if i had not eaten and stuck to my fasting plan i would be 140 right now. well, tomorrow is another day and i plan to stick with this love of a blog. blog your the only thing that matters right now. along with being thin. i'm sorry i'm ranting. please forgive me. i just had to get this of of my "plate" along with that giant burger and fries...

calorie count

i have been using calorie count for a while now. it helps alot. it makes me really think about what i wanna have to log in the next day...

i want to be skinny and i am still blubbering at almost 150 for the past 8 months... :(
i hate my body b/c it is sooo fat and ugly and nobody wants a fat girlfriend.

i will starve tomorrow i already have a plan on what to eat...

sick of eating

i ate so many grapes today its crazy.
i can't believe myself.
but i am still fat. i haven't lost anything since that last two weeks where i fasted. i love fasting and yet i hate it at the same time. i love being hungry but i love to taste food too. my life is the biggest paradox in the universe it seems at times. i just want to be as skinny as my sis (we'll call her T from now on) by the end of school. how about my new goal be 130lbs by finals week. that is doable. and it is still fat but at least i wont be 150lbs...

back to flab

Well I had been trying very hard to starve and all but now I am back to being fat. I would write more, but I have an essay to write so I don't really have anything else I feel needs to be mentioned.

I am sick of being the same weight everyday and being fat so I have been drinking water and I hope it will curb my appetite. GOOD LUCK NEXT WEEK me.

I will be 125lbs by the end of finals. I lose 5 lbs in a week, so why not lose 30 in a month? For a wannarexic that's not half bad.

after starving myself.

well i just woke up, and i am about to go to school again today. the only reason i have really been trying hard to make myself presentable for the past week is because of him. i adore him. he's lovely and smart and funny. and he's a sophomore.

i have lost about 8lbs b/c my weight skyrocketed after last week for reasons unknown. i think i am getting to a point where i just don't want to eat. i love being hungry. and i calculated all my calories for the last few days, and together they are like less than 2000. i am sooo happy. even my jeans feel just a tiny bit looser than before. my old tight size 8's are now perfectly fitting size 8's. and if that can happen with this little amount of effort (because i am still eating, just not a lot) then i can't wait to be a size 4, or even a 2 in american eagle jeans. i want to be as skinny as my sister. NO. i am going to be skinnier than my size 4 sister. if i ever need thinspiration, i just look at her and think what a fat pig i am.

fasting day 1

i like someone. and they will never, i repeat-NEVER, like me back unless I lose at least 20 lbs. I will be skinny so I am going to fast for about three days. I keep reminding myself that there are starving children in africa, so when I c&s, I am being the most selfish person in the whole entire world. i have become accustomed to this feeling of hunger and i almost enjoy it. it feels sooo much better than being so full that you just can't move. i also keep reminding myself of him and how ripped he is and how i am not and how i will work out for a bare minimum of 30 mins a day. I will have abs. not man-abs, female-firmness. i decided to set an actual goal date of april 30th, a thursday, to be the date that I WILL WEIGH 130LBS at least that much, I wil lose 30lbs. I don't care what people say about starving yourself will just make you lose water weight, if that were true then how come anorexic people are so skinny huh?

i also have to come up with a safe fasting plan. I mean, the hardest part is breaking the fast, right? i will not get sidetracked, i will just drink diet sodas and water, so it will be a water fast today. i think that because it is the weekend I should be able to break the fast on tuesday night, and only with a cut up apple, and water so that I am full of water and won't overeat.

this is the way it's going to be honey, this is the way it's going to be for a long time...

good to be starving home

I have actually been doing pretty well today. I have been sticking to my plan of eating less for breakfast and i skipped lunch which is going to be hard to do these next few days and i haven't eaten more than 300 calories today :)

I am so proud of myself, and writing all of this down just makes me want to restrict even more!!! Since spring break has officially begun, it will be a lot harder to control my eating because i will be at home for most of the time with the freakin' kitchen staring me in the face 24/7.

I think i am also going to work on my application for yearbook next year. It takes my mind off of eating and how starving i feel (yay)!!!

why don't i care anymore?

i haven't really been keeping up with this blog and it makes me angry b/c i really want to.

i c&s alot today. it really makes me think that my brain is full b/c i am chewing so much that it makes my jaw hurt. but then it just doesn't seem to do anything to my weight. i think it keeps it where it is. i have officially hit a plateau of 150lbs and it won't budge unless i do some major calorie counting and starving myself.

i am going to start by cutting back on breakfast so that if i do well i may be able to make it just under the 500 cal mark for the whole day. I AM GOING TO DRINK CRYSTAL LIGHT AND HAVE A CEREAL BAR FOR BREAKFAST EVERY DAY. and if i run out of cereal bars then i'll just ride my bike to kroger and go get some more... no exceptions.

I WILL ALSO LOOK AT THINSPO EVERYDAY (MUST DO)

I AM ALSO GOING TO KEEP TRACK OF EVER CALORIE ON CALORIECOUNT.COM!!!
i will be skinny even if it means i can only enjoy food once a week, or maybe even once a month. or ideally - never.

back to now

i'm back and not very happy. i just spent the last two days at a sleepover and i pigged out like crazy. i scoffed down ice cream and cookies and pizza. not only that i think that my scale is broken and needs to be re calibrated because after eating all that (lets say inhaling) i only weighed 147 lbs and today i weighed in at 148. i know that it has to be my scale and not me. so today i am trying to keep the calories down.

don't worry me, you will be thin by summer :)
i hope...

green with envy

i don't know why i am so unhappy. - wait actually i do. it's because i have a horrible weight problem and i am so fat and my friends don't like hanging out with me b/c i am boring and/or annoying and i don't have a boyfriend. i seriously will never be socially accepted unless i am skinny. that is a living breathing fatblubbering fact.

well i woke up today and i ate cereal as usual to increase metabolism. and i weighed myself... 149.0. not too bad but that is always what happens during the school week. i lose about 2lbs and then i gain it all back because i don't do much on the weekends and because i eat more.

well the reason behind the title of this blog is because i am so envious of my best friend. she has everything going for her. she's so smart and soooo pretty. i'm not surprised that all the guys in the school chase after her. thats not even the worst part. the worst part is that she thinks she's chunky too. ugh... it just makes me feel even fatter becuase next to her... i am just the pretty girl's fat best friend.

ps: i am not feeling sick anymore... but i am still enormous and ill probably eat 700 calories today :(

more and more sickening

Today i really felt horribly ill. I know that my body feels terrible but on the inside, within a small portion of my mind, i feel happy. I am happy that i feel so horrible that i can't eat. I have already eaten so much today it feels like a dream. Every morning i eat a bowl of cereal for about 230 calories because it is supposed to rev up your metabolism. One of my friends who usually eats with us at lunch brought with her and she didn't like it. So, as usual, she asked everyone, "who wants it?" I of course said yes. It was a plastic case filled to the brim with oily, greasy, cheesy spaghetti! What the heck. I was somewhat pleased with myself though because i managed to stop halfway through because of my sickness. I shouldn't have said yes. I should have refused.

well i don't think that i can eat anymore. i just feel to horrible. i'll just take an aspirin and hopefully i can jusst sink into oblivion...