Ate a little bit of soup and did some c&s grazing. Maybe 300 cals tops. Still under max.

I really want to eat right now... I have control. I must have control...

All I've had today is oatmeal for 160 cals. No free snacks. I know that as soon as I eat one thing, I won't be able to stop. So I won't start.

started keeping a food journal in my backpack. hopefully no one will go through my stuff at school. it means i can always have a reminder of what i am keeping track of.

I also started looking at tumblr again. Those girls who post photos on there are some amazing thinspo if you ever need it. I've done pretty well today, even to the point of running outside(when i usually go to the gym)! yeah i can't wait to be skinny when I turn 18.

some stuff i found while tumbling...

today

actually that title is a bit of an understatement, as today could not have been more typical. woke up. decided to cut back a little on what i ate for breakfast, jut 1 packet of oatmeal with water ( i didn't add the usually milk to cool it off or granola on top. lunch rolled around and i restrained myself, sans half a kitkat bar... my friend was like forcing it upon me so... 7th period meant mr. awk went to his random junk food joint and brought something with him, so i gave into a few french fries. after school was half a sandwich and some chips. so far i really haven't done too bad, considering i am planning on going to the gym to run a little later. i just have to wait for the car.

i really don't understand why i have this fear of running outside. i mean, it can't be people watching me, more people probably watch me at the gym so i don't really know. anyway gym=cleaner, and i have more of an incentive to stay longer since i'm already there and wasted gas to get there. will do better tomorrow, stickin to the oatmeal!

 it post my goals in a NEW sidebar. i need to get myself on track.

do i care anymore?

i don't know what is wrong with me. i eat and eat without any regard for what my thighs will look like. i don't know what's wrong with me. i have to go run today.

play and drive

this has been the absolutely most horrible week of my life. I hate how if I do badly at the beginning of the say, I have to turn the whole day/week into a pigout. I seriously feel like i stuffed my face today. I am so afraid to look at the scale right now that i will wait until tomorrow morning. although i really should weigh right now, to scare myself into not eating. i swore last summer that i would never be over 150 again in my entire life.

sadly tomorrow is a little kids birthday party i must attend, and visiting family means eating out and eating out means ordering an enormous hamburger with fries and the works. its so hard when everyone else is eating. i can't count the number of times i wish food just didn't appeal to me. i wake up and i actually get a little excited about pouring a bowl of cereal because i can't have it any other time of the day.

i want to get rid of that feeling tomorrow. this will be my meal plan tomorrow, yes unusually unhealthy for tomorrow but ill be back on track for sunday and monday):
b-greek yogurt (120)
l-small pizza or cake slice (400)
d-4 bites of whatever is at the restaurant (300)
if i get super hungry (which i will) i can eat grapes and NO PB AND NO HONEY (weakness) and drink tons of tea and water

there. that will do.

happy day (ish)

went to the gym today, ran 2 miles like i normally do, then walked until i got to 30 mins. i think i can get back into my gym habit, despite the fact that my mom canceled the gym membership to save money. we are a family of 5 living on my moms little income. we do pretty well but it means semi-often junk passes through the kitchen. i need to kick that habit. and going off campus for lunch every week, i can do, as long as i only get a drink...

i will go to the gym at least every other day. i will never go 2 days without going to the gym. i need to work out, and i will. that is all.

not so far away, yet so long ago

wow. it has been so freaking long. a whole year. luckily i've been under 150 for about 6 months now so i don't really freak about that anymore. whenever i see the scale creep up a pound i literally have a spazz attack and tell myself to eat under 800cals the next day. that seem's to work.

i did manage my weight over the lazy summer by going to the gym pretty much every day. i run 2 miles and walk the last mile for a total burn of almost 300cals a day. i still want to be 120 by the time i am in college. i think that if i just suck it up and start going to the gym again i can so totally get there. i will do this.

thanks to you guys! about 10 more ppl followed even while my blog was dead!

PS - i kinda got into tumblr for a while but i really enjoy blogger so much more. it just is more personalized.