follow up

a comment asked why i was being weighed with my sis... we just had a check up together. haha mom is very cheap.

so far so good today... only had a cracker and water.

hate hate hate!

i broke into tears at the doctors office today. it was horrible to hear this.. my turn... 5'5" 155 lbs. sisters turn... 5'7" 125 lbs. oh my god i was so sad. one because i know i am not 5'5 i am 5'6 and i will never be 5'9 like im supposed to be and mainly i cried because my stupid sister is so thin. i want to be her. and today while i am full i weighed in at 158. i am so close to touching my old top weight.

i will be thin. i will starve tomorrow. i will go on a total complete water fast. my dad is muslim so i can just say its practice fasting. i hate myself so much i feel so fat and i want to be thin. i hate hate hate myself.

i will be at my goal of now.. i upped it to 130 bc im so fat. by christmas at the very least.

now i need to start back up and read blogs on here. i've just been too lazy. and fat.

thanks all.

just get right back up again.

i really don't know how much i love writing and blogging about my struggles until i actually sit down and do it.

today i went out to eat, it was horrible. my grandmother came and she is almost as obsessed with her weight as i am, except she's fatter. she is about 5'9" and she wants to be 154. it was devastating to me because here i am at 5'6" weighing that much and she insists on saying i am not fat. but you know what, she basically just called me fat right there, and unintentionally.

i know i can do it. starting tomorrow i am going on a short trip so i will try and control and restrict then. that always seems to work. i'm scared because i am on the verge of 158 right now.

sorry thinforever, i kinda bailed out on the comp but i think i'll do this in my mental state for a little. just until i get back on my feet.

thanks to all for the support, ruby, your comment seemed to help me write this today :)

wow...

for some odd reason it seems like if i fast...and then for two days i don't care... i lose... has that ever happened to y'all?

i dunno my body is weir - in a bad way.

also i gained and i am so ashamed i'm not even gonna post it until i get back to where i was. i dunno i just kinda... lost myself.