fasting day 1

i like someone. and they will never, i repeat-NEVER, like me back unless I lose at least 20 lbs. I will be skinny so I am going to fast for about three days. I keep reminding myself that there are starving children in africa, so when I c&s, I am being the most selfish person in the whole entire world. i have become accustomed to this feeling of hunger and i almost enjoy it. it feels sooo much better than being so full that you just can't move. i also keep reminding myself of him and how ripped he is and how i am not and how i will work out for a bare minimum of 30 mins a day. I will have abs. not man-abs, female-firmness. i decided to set an actual goal date of april 30th, a thursday, to be the date that I WILL WEIGH 130LBS at least that much, I wil lose 30lbs. I don't care what people say about starving yourself will just make you lose water weight, if that were true then how come anorexic people are so skinny huh?

i also have to come up with a safe fasting plan. I mean, the hardest part is breaking the fast, right? i will not get sidetracked, i will just drink diet sodas and water, so it will be a water fast today. i think that because it is the weekend I should be able to break the fast on tuesday night, and only with a cut up apple, and water so that I am full of water and won't overeat.

this is the way it's going to be honey, this is the way it's going to be for a long time...

good to be starving home

I have actually been doing pretty well today. I have been sticking to my plan of eating less for breakfast and i skipped lunch which is going to be hard to do these next few days and i haven't eaten more than 300 calories today :)

I am so proud of myself, and writing all of this down just makes me want to restrict even more!!! Since spring break has officially begun, it will be a lot harder to control my eating because i will be at home for most of the time with the freakin' kitchen staring me in the face 24/7.

I think i am also going to work on my application for yearbook next year. It takes my mind off of eating and how starving i feel (yay)!!!

why don't i care anymore?

i haven't really been keeping up with this blog and it makes me angry b/c i really want to.

i c&s alot today. it really makes me think that my brain is full b/c i am chewing so much that it makes my jaw hurt. but then it just doesn't seem to do anything to my weight. i think it keeps it where it is. i have officially hit a plateau of 150lbs and it won't budge unless i do some major calorie counting and starving myself.

i am going to start by cutting back on breakfast so that if i do well i may be able to make it just under the 500 cal mark for the whole day. I AM GOING TO DRINK CRYSTAL LIGHT AND HAVE A CEREAL BAR FOR BREAKFAST EVERY DAY. and if i run out of cereal bars then i'll just ride my bike to kroger and go get some more... no exceptions.

I WILL ALSO LOOK AT THINSPO EVERYDAY (MUST DO)

I AM ALSO GOING TO KEEP TRACK OF EVER CALORIE ON CALORIECOUNT.COM!!!
i will be skinny even if it means i can only enjoy food once a week, or maybe even once a month. or ideally - never.

back to now

i'm back and not very happy. i just spent the last two days at a sleepover and i pigged out like crazy. i scoffed down ice cream and cookies and pizza. not only that i think that my scale is broken and needs to be re calibrated because after eating all that (lets say inhaling) i only weighed 147 lbs and today i weighed in at 148. i know that it has to be my scale and not me. so today i am trying to keep the calories down.

don't worry me, you will be thin by summer :)
i hope...

green with envy

i don't know why i am so unhappy. - wait actually i do. it's because i have a horrible weight problem and i am so fat and my friends don't like hanging out with me b/c i am boring and/or annoying and i don't have a boyfriend. i seriously will never be socially accepted unless i am skinny. that is a living breathing fatblubbering fact.

well i woke up today and i ate cereal as usual to increase metabolism. and i weighed myself... 149.0. not too bad but that is always what happens during the school week. i lose about 2lbs and then i gain it all back because i don't do much on the weekends and because i eat more.

well the reason behind the title of this blog is because i am so envious of my best friend. she has everything going for her. she's so smart and soooo pretty. i'm not surprised that all the guys in the school chase after her. thats not even the worst part. the worst part is that she thinks she's chunky too. ugh... it just makes me feel even fatter becuase next to her... i am just the pretty girl's fat best friend.

ps: i am not feeling sick anymore... but i am still enormous and ill probably eat 700 calories today :(

more and more sickening

Today i really felt horribly ill. I know that my body feels terrible but on the inside, within a small portion of my mind, i feel happy. I am happy that i feel so horrible that i can't eat. I have already eaten so much today it feels like a dream. Every morning i eat a bowl of cereal for about 230 calories because it is supposed to rev up your metabolism. One of my friends who usually eats with us at lunch brought with her and she didn't like it. So, as usual, she asked everyone, "who wants it?" I of course said yes. It was a plastic case filled to the brim with oily, greasy, cheesy spaghetti! What the heck. I was somewhat pleased with myself though because i managed to stop halfway through because of my sickness. I shouldn't have said yes. I should have refused.

well i don't think that i can eat anymore. i just feel to horrible. i'll just take an aspirin and hopefully i can jusst sink into oblivion...