all i have to say

wow 27 followers is A LOT. i really appreciate the support. i'm still stuck and i feel as if i am letting all of you down by not having any results. and believe me, i am letting my own self down. also what is odd is that if i only eat when i am hungry and never become full during the course of the day, i can usually shave of .2 or .4 of a pound by the next morning. weird huh?

got back from yearbook camp, surrounded by crazies and also skinny people. ahhh. well, i walked with a few chunkies and they made me look a little better, but then i feel snobby and bitchy so ugh...

not much to say, i'm really dreading school starting i hate school, putting on this fake smile and you know. the usual. not to mention i am surrounded by crazy people and smart people and i would never measure up. only if i am thin, will i truly succeed.

AHHHH! i feel as if i owe everyone a super long post too because i have been gone so long! but hey i'll be posting just not everyday.

PIC: lookbook once again, legs :)

all that work for nothing.

sigh* i worked so hard not to binge or eat too much these last two days. friday was tough because we ate out twice. italian place and then salad place. only had a salad and about 1/2 cup of soup then later i had a chicken salad sandwich but i had to sneak and c&s into a napkin so my stupid stepgrandmother would think that i was eating more than i was.

uggg i even saw a hard core ana at the pool we went to. oh... she was sooo thin. my fatass stepgrandma even said oh look she's anorexic. and made a face. ha well i wonder what she would think if she found out that i was ednos!

i worked so hard. i did have to feel full a few times yuck. now i just woke up and weighed in at 152.8 gosh darn. i do think that it is just water weight but no chances. today i will do a partial fast because i am getting so much better at resisting the temptation of food. i will be under 150 by the time camp rolls around next week.

Oh and i found out how much my sister claims to weigh. she is 5'6 and 110 lbs. or so she says. no she's not. her ass is huge and she is pretty big-boned. i really don't believe her. and i have experience with height weight ratios. she is flat out lying. grrrr...

PIX: lookbook once again. makes me want a space between my legs.

???

okay so i woke up did the usual... then i weighed myself. 150.8??? well i think you were right pokerface!! the scale said 153 after all the water i drank, so i know it was only water weight but now i am 150.8 :) and yeah i am totally gonna be 141.4 by august. at the very least.

i was thinking on binging today, but no i will not. i must stay strong. i am going to go to my evil step grandmother's house today and spend the weekend uggg... and not ugg because i hate her - ugg because this means we will be eating out basically every meal except maybe breakfast and lunch. and she keeps the best food in her pantry too.

at least we will be running around town alot and i think i might be able to go shopping. i really wanna buy a pair of size 4 jeans so that i can rejoice when they finally fit me! that should get me revved up to not eat!

thanks for the support - i won't be able to post though... at all this weekend until maybe sunday morning :) oh and to thinforever - i think my intake was about 500 and i was lazy and didn't exercise... damn. well. good luck guys, have a thinfriday.

still the same

ugg all that fasting and still nothing. i am still following my abc diet and also thinforever has added me to their weight loss comp!! so 10 pounds before august 25, that's pretty doable. no binging! so i am back on restricting today. i just had 1/4 of a banana and 39 cals of grapes (each is 3 cals) and now i am drinking come water. you know, yesterday i didn't feel hungry at all and i think its because i drank so much water!

ugg i really can't stress to myself that i need to be under 150. i have been that same weight or around it for almost 3/4 of a year now. i hate that. it means high school so far has been fat. well not anymore. and since doing that fast. i have found that i like to binge at night. during the day i had control and at night i almost lost it. i did have to chew and spit some crap last night though, so i guess it wasn't a total fast. but that said, i think i did well!

-this is the beginning of my REAL weight loss. no binge days. i can't have cake or cookies. and today is 500 calorie day. i think i will try and eat less though. i need to be 130 and thats my normal people goal. i really want to be 110 or 120!! ahhh ok thanx gals. i am going to go stare at thinspo and get into my brain that i am a fat ass... good luck honeys!

RULE: no food until my mom gets home from work. thats at like 7. yeah. i like that. it keeps me actually wanting my mom to come home haha!

fast update

hey, here's a quick update!

it's the middle of the day and i haven't eaten anything!! not even "cheating" nibbles and i haven't c&s'ed! yes! usually by now i have given in and nibble or c&s'ed but nope! i am so proud so far but i can't celebrate. I feel like i might give in but then i just think of fat. i can do this. i might even be able to pull this off for day two, maybe even three!! i just gotta keep my mind off of food and stay busy :)

i hate food

i hate it sooo much i could probably murder it. i wish it was the other way around; eat whatever i want and get skinnier. look at this picture. which one looks the best? well duh, the one on the left. right now i feel like the one on the far right. i hate having fat just blubbering around and uggg..

okay well i'm glad i got that out of me. yesterday was horrible, if you read my last post. and i plan to put it behind me. i figure if i can fast hardcore today, i can keep it up until camp. also, it may be annoying but these are my thoughts, i talk about my skinny sister alot. she's like my inspiration, she's me skinnier with a different face. i asked her what she ate yesterday and she said this: oh my god nothing! haha i like was so caught up in this book i totally forgot to eat. no honey, you don't forget to eat. at least if you're me: thinking about food 24/7 and how i'm going to avoid the next meal. uggg she doesn't eat anything and i am soo jealious because it's like she doesn't even try. she just forgets to eat. on a brighter note, i only gained .4 of a pound after all this.

well. that is me today, i have never felt more like not eating in my life. maybe i'm not ana, but i'm for sure ED-NOS. there. that's all i have to say... hopefully you all are doing better.

P.S. i'm also wondering if laxatives work, for those who use 'em? i use to when i had some around the house, but i wasn't sure when to take them. THANX :) peace. love. thin.

ohhhhhhhh my god...

o my god this will be the shortest post ever. i really effed up this time. i was doing so well also.. damn it. i really wanna fast but i can't. i have no control. i am doomed to be a fat ass forever. i have been stuck at 150 lbs for a whole year and it comes off easy but it comes back on easier. i am sitting here looking at my sister who has eaten who knows what (and i don't think i've seen her eat anything) while i've downed three bowls of cereal (c&s but still full) in less than one hour. this day that today is my last day of freedom. i have given into the last meal syndrome. i hate myself. stay stronger than me. please.

more restriction

hey girlies, so today is gonna be another partial fast. i already had some bread. but i have been drowning down water and crystal light (cal free kind). did horrible yesterday. well not that bad, its just if i i say i did okay then i will think i can so the same today... and we don't want that to happen.

i basically drank only water, which made it hard to tell if i was water full or food full. but i am getting the hang of being able to tell the difference. when i'm food full, the bottom of my stomach bulges out more and when i am water full, i just feel bloated but don't look it. i don't know maybe i'm weired but that''s how it is for me.

i plan on following my abc diet. so i think to be on the safe side i need to redo day two of the plan. its scary because there is a fasting day coming up soon!! and its soooo hard for me to fast. in one of my other posts i explained how i hate to fast and i like to restrict. i know restriction works because i used to be 10 lobs heavier :)

PIC: sorry no pic today, i just look at some of the oler ones i post :) tomorrow should be a double day though!! good luck to all!!

getting closer..

well i lost a pound, and i hadn't weighed since yesterday. and yesterday i weighed when i was full of water and a little food. i know i am doing okay when even at that time, i weigh less than i used to! but i can't get cocky. i know that once i get under 148, my mind will think oh haha now she can have food. but i won't let that happen. and i don't want any of you guys to let that happen to you either. yes, you know what i am talking about. its like last meal syndrome. you starve starve starve and then in about 3 binge/bad days we gain it all back. but this time i feel a sense of control (perhaps the crystal light makes water fun??). i don't know but whatever it is i'm loving it.

i think i wil try a partial fast today. so i won't eat anything until after 5pm. i hope i can at least manage that. it will help because i always seem to be in the mood for practicing lax nowadays and the only thing i can even think of comsuming afterwards is water/crystal light.

well good luck honeys :) i know we can do this and i need support. bye - i need to go comment on everyone's blogs now!!! and i think that all this restriction will count towards my ABC diet!! so i'll start on that!

PIC: lookbook - skinny even when she's sitting in that position, what a dream...

yay yay i'm doing okay!

well that's me! i didn't eat anything but bread and diet soda yesterday and a few handfuls of cheerios. i know i said that i must not eat anything but for me that is soooo difficult. i love feeling water full though. and that's exactly what i felt like all day! it totally makes up for the mexican food i ate for my aunts b-day on friday.

and today is going well too! i ate a piece of hershey bar (you know how its split into peices i had about 3 of those... horrible but its not that bad i could have eaten the whole bar!!) and i c&s some bread. my mom got about three packs of crystal light too so i should be set for the next week of staying at home alone and staring at the kitchen all day. i've also been pretty active too: practicing lacrosse with my skinny sister whenever i can. it makes me feel better that i can play it and she completely sucks at it (but she's skinny so that definitely makes up for it).

sorry i haven't been commenting on any of your blogs! but don't get me wrong i am reading them like clockwork everyday. all of your triumphs have really been a big help to me and my weight loss. and i promise to post some thinspo tomorrow. nothing was jumping out at me today :)

lose lose lose it all honeys!!

i am fat. i must not eat.

i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am fat. i must not eat. i am faaatttttt. i willllll nottt eat!!!
i typed that. no copy and paste. i know i didn't type much but today i am in a new mindset after slipping into an old pair of jeans i had. hmmm did i just say slipping? aheemm.. what i really meant was struggling. pushing. pulling. and then i looked in the mirror. big fat love handles. and THEN, my sister walks in to straighten her hair. oh my god. i thought she wasn't that skinny, but... in her skinny jeans she has model thin legs. it put me in such a bad mood. and now i am comepletely determined to be thin. i guess it never really occured to me that i was that fat until i put on some tighter fitting clothes (it's summer so i have just been wearing athletic shorts and big tees). i am huge!

i think that's all that i have to say. although it seems like if i wake up and blog in the morning it seems so set me up for a whole day. i really love all of your comments and thank you sooo much for your help. i look forward to reading what you have posted this lovely morning during which i feel exceptionally piggish :( ugh. i'm sorry also if all of my post have been sounding like complete failures but i know this will be one of the last few.tomorrows post i will have fasted for one day!! second fasting a full day in my whole life!! wooohooo!

PICs: fashiontoast.com - these girls are so lucky to have legs that thin. and look at what tori spelling is eating! i mean seriously?! but she's thin. unlike moi... but i will!

drink kroger crystal light.

yeah that title is like a reminder to go and ride my bike to kroger today. i need some more of that crystal light powder. and what's great is that the kroger brand has ZERO cals while the regular and more expensive crystal light has FIVE! and in the quantity that i eat it in, that adds up!

so i'm trying to drink a ton of water today. you know like challenge myself to drink it and then see if i neeeedd food. take that! i already c&s some cereal and chips so today can't be a fast day (which i've only managed about once in my entire life!) what the freak?

well i really don't have that much to say. i guess i'll update you with yesterday. i ate only fruit. only. which is ok i guess. considering two apples and a bunch or strawberries and grapes. i also can't keep myseld from c&sing cereal in the morning too... i practiced lax for a while too, burned at least 100 i'd say.

hope your weight loss pirsuit is going better than mine...

PIC: love leighton meester, sooo pretty and THIIIN....

food: use sparingly

sparingly is exactly how i intend to eat. i am so afraid to be fat. i think it really doesn't help that my own mother is overweight. it just scares me even more. but today is different. i am not going to eat anything and i need to learn to embrace hunger. i'm so sick of looking at the scale (in the morning too!) and not seeing my fat ass lose any weight.

I had a glass of water today and a spoonful of jelly (i have no idea what i was thinking??). i mean about two weeks ago i wasn't afraid to give up food. it's like my drug of choice. some people smoke some so pot, you know. but what many don't understand is that eating is addicting. it kills dreams of thin. i hate food so much except for the fact that i am attached to it. i even went back to C&S binging the other day... ugg that is sooo disgusting! i am so quitting on food. i hate it, it hates my thighs and my scale.i need to be afraid of it. i'm through wiht food.

every other day.

hey again. sorry this blog has become an every other day posted blog... i haven't really been able to get to my computer lately. but i'm still the same, my weight hasn't moved one ounce. i guess that's a good thing, but on the other hand, i'm still 150... so that's not good either. i really need to get back on track. i'm almost doubting my mind now. i wish i could beat some food sense into my head with a stick so that i wouldn't eat today. but you know what, i may have already had a bowl of cereal and two potato chips but... i can start NOW. i think cereal is enough for one day. ok... just water all the way. i have to drink at least one glass every hour.

thanks again for the support gals. also i really need ot start blogging daily again because that really seems to keep me on track. i think that i have been so afraid of fat these few weeks that i am too scared to weight myself. its like if i don't weigh then... its like i can eat whatever i want. ok another new rule... weigh more than 3 times a day. spread it out too (this is me talking to myself haha)... that way (even though its water weight) it keeps telling me that hell no you aren't gonna weigh 150 at the start of school - you will weigh at least 140. only ten pounds. thats pretty much more than doable if you ask me.

PIC: from lookbook once again. i get almost all of my thinspo from there :) wish me luck! and i wish all of you even more luck in your fasting expeditions.

let myself go.

oh my god. i have really let myself go. i am so afraid to look at the scale right now. i know its back up to 150. i was doing so well too. i don't have that much to say right now, except that i just got back from my friend's 4th party and i ate cake. i ate cake! and half a hot dog and rolos. its soo easy to get caught up in eating when all of your friends are and then they stare at you and wonder why you aren't eating anything. i hate myself. i feel like the fattest pig ever.

also, my sister decided to wear a tank today and she looks soooo skinny. i am so jealous of her. and she is now even a little bit taller than me, even though she is younger. ugg. she has everything. and my father always makes stupid jokes about how i eat too much (even though i'm not really eating i'm c&s'ing it). ugg i really feel fat just writing this. i know how horrible it feels to be full. i'm sorry i'm so down girls, i just hope i can not eat anything from now on...

water... water everywhere

yesterday was one of my good restriction days, although i hate when i try to fast and it turns into restriction. it makes me feel like i have no control. anyway, i ate fewer than 300 cals yesterday even with a small bowl of sherbet that my mother forced me to eat. i can now say that i am under 150. even if i did weigh in the morning, but that's when i always weigh myself.

i even found this magic jump rope workout (i love my jump rope and it magically burns 10 cals a minute) on fitness magazine that will burn 100 cals in 10 minutes!!! and its soo hard but i did it and i plan on doing it more than once per day. i'm thinking like at lease 4 times or everytime i get the urge to eat.

also my family had to go to some chinese buffet yesterday (what is it with them and chinese??!!) and there was so much food. so i just thought of it as good practice for when i fast and restrict. i sat back and watched the table while everyone else stuffed their faces and i chugged about 3 glasses of water in less than 3 minutes (including thie time it took for the waitress to refill it). i was so full and all i could eat where some mini mushrooms and broccoli. I was very proud of myself, until i let myself have a whol spring roll. oh well, i guess it could have been an EGG roll.

new reverse thinso web guys... this is why you're fat.
no no!! i didn't call you fat, i mean that's the name of the blog. i don't know about you but most of the food they post on here makes me sick and not want to eat a burger ever again. i hope it works for you all and doesn't cause a relapse. WARNING - VERY UNHEALTHY FOOD IMAGES CONTAINED IN BLOG... VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK...

yes i think all that food is disgusting. but anyway, thats all i have to say. oh and i lost another pound! probably water weight. but i can't wait until i can fast again.

P.S. thanks everyone for all the fasting info, especially eva!!

peace ☮ & thin ♥

Hey gals, this is just a thinspo post, i was getting anxious/bored/hungry so i had to hold myself back. hope it helps more than just me! and i'll make another post about yesterday and my day a little later today, i just felt like posting thinspo. stay thin!

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everything is o.k. (maybe)

well yesterday didn't go so well. and i feel like i failed ya'll because you think i'm so in control! i started to reread some of my other posts and yeah it seems like that but i am horrible at keeping track. also it seems that the only thing i can eat/drink for breakfast is tea - otherwise i start binging the rest of the day. it's like, if i only drink tea, it sets me up well for the remainder of the day.

water fast today. i gained .6 of a pound and i was literally freaking. i even weighed in the morning! ugg... i am soooo fat. i am also hoping that when i lose the rest of this weight my cup size will shrink too (i'm a C) i have this old bra from 3 years ago (B-cup) and i can't wait until i can fit into it.

i am somewhat satisfied with my eating right now because my stomach is growling and empty. well time to get some more tea. see you later honeys and enjoy the thinspo :)

P.S. if any of you girls have any fasting tips... PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!! i am pretty good at everything ana but fasting is my weakness! anything to keep your mind off food, liquid fasts, anything would help. please comment. thanks so much, you all keep me going every morning.

1st PIC: The Satorialist

anne valerie hash fall 2008 couture

Numero Tokyo March 09 - photo credit: tfs

Numero Tokyo March 09 - photo credit: tfs

Le Flassh