hungry feels sooo good

i know i haven't actually gotten the courage to actually start a full blown fast. i mean, i still need to work on restricting myself exponentially first. then i can start my fast. i'm actually hoping that i will be able to start it on this monday.

i am in a much better mood than yesterday. i can restrict and not feel an addicting pull towards food. so i'll just tell a little back story on how i came to adopt this ED. i used to be a horrible binge eater until a few months ago. so basically, i ate away my feelings of being insecure and feeling horribly fat. which to me, now, seems extremely stupid because if you think you're fat - DO SOMETHING!!! anyway. you could probably call me one of those ana's who just woke up and felt this weird feeling in their minds and hearts; because that is exactly what happened. i don't know the date but a few weeks ago i just woke up on a really cold, rainy morning (haha so cliche right?) and i decided that eating was stupid and unessential. i didn't eat the whole day and by the end i was shaking so hard i could hardly write an essay in class.

but it felt so... empowering. it felt good. i felt like for every instant i was hungry i was one step closer to being thinner and in turn, happier. to me thin=happy. and so now here i am now, and many lbs lighter, ana. btw, i never did try purging, i just couldn't do it... too disgusting.

I don't want to say everything that is on my mind though because I am still skeptical about letting my mind wander on this thing... Maybe when I am older I can publish this into a book and then sell it for millions of dollars as a national bestseller. I hope - correction- I will keep this blog till the end of time. Until my fingers bleed and I am diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel, I will blog.

P.S. never thought of it that way, Cat. now i am that skinny i guess... well good!

PIC: found this gorgeous girl surfing the web... ugh. that would probably be me skinnier.