restriction is the way to go

haha, i'm in somewhat of a good mood today, seeing as i lost another pound! but i still can't stop. in the past, when i used to be a binge eater, i would starve starve starve and restrict until i lost about 5 lbs and then i would feel like i needed to reward myself and i would eat one bowl of ice cream. but one became two and two became three. pretty soon, i was on an all out binge and the next day i pretty much gained it all back.

but not anymore. i am sober. i am clean. i have had tea, some mini orange slices, and a bite of cereal and hunger has still not set in. i'm not hungry yet, so that can sometimes throw me off a bit. but i think i can allow myself 100 more cals and then go to sleep. sleep is the best way to keep my mind off of food.

i've found that i'm really not up to fasting right now. i think i'll go for a little more restriction before i start a full on, hardcore fast. i am pretty good at liquid fasting though - because i usually drink about 160 oz of hot tea and the warm liquid going down my throat seems to fill me up faster (cal free, of course).

hahaha wow i'm in a good mood. and i'll be in an even better mood when i start feeling hungry :) because for every second i'm hungry, that's one less fraction of a pound not on my fat thighs anymore. happy fasting/restricting/dieting everyone!

also (random and has nothing to do with dieting)... i LOVE this giraffe-print tote from Dooney and Bourke. its even under $200 which is pretty good for such a large bag from Dooney. sorry to get off topic but how could i not say something about this amazing bag!? (promise-no more straying off topic!!)

P.S. Thanks once again to the new followers and your comments really do keep me going. i'm so glad i started this blog!

PIC's: i love dakota fanning, she's a little younger than me but close enough to where i can still relate and she's sooooo pretty and thin! the second one below is from a blog called "because i'm addicted". beautiful photo :)

pretty much (im)possible

well that's how i felt when i got a look at the delectable asian cuisine staring me in the face at the dinner table. but i had control. i even had to do the cup thing where you pretend to be drinking but you're spitting everything you "ate" into it. i could tell that my parents knew something was wrong. i mean i even refused ice cream! to them, i'm their girl who eats way too much and then my sister on the other hand eats next to nothing. i tried eating exactly what she ate when i wasn't ana but i think i just got too hungry and started to binge.

but i still restricted like crazy. i mean i probably ate less than 200, which for a new ana like me is amazing. i already know i'm not fasting today - already ate a very small bite of cereal w/milk. i do know that i am steadily losing about a pound everyday. i just need to keep this up.

PIC: i find emma watson to be gorgeous thinspo for me! this is from her covershoot for teen vogue.

P.S. thanks to everyone who commented on my last post or is following me, yes, we are all in this together ;)

more thinspo please!

decided to start a fast today. so i needed some serious thinspiration. i know i can get through this day at the least. i might have to c&s though b/c i'm supposed to be going out for chinese later today. for the love of god, why did it have to be chinese.

whatis reality anyway

Bik Bok s/s 09 campiagn

Spur Magazine - July issue


Alexander Wang's Fall 2008 Runway

hungry feels sooo good

i know i haven't actually gotten the courage to actually start a full blown fast. i mean, i still need to work on restricting myself exponentially first. then i can start my fast. i'm actually hoping that i will be able to start it on this monday.

i am in a much better mood than yesterday. i can restrict and not feel an addicting pull towards food. so i'll just tell a little back story on how i came to adopt this ED. i used to be a horrible binge eater until a few months ago. so basically, i ate away my feelings of being insecure and feeling horribly fat. which to me, now, seems extremely stupid because if you think you're fat - DO SOMETHING!!! anyway. you could probably call me one of those ana's who just woke up and felt this weird feeling in their minds and hearts; because that is exactly what happened. i don't know the date but a few weeks ago i just woke up on a really cold, rainy morning (haha so cliche right?) and i decided that eating was stupid and unessential. i didn't eat the whole day and by the end i was shaking so hard i could hardly write an essay in class.

but it felt so... empowering. it felt good. i felt like for every instant i was hungry i was one step closer to being thinner and in turn, happier. to me thin=happy. and so now here i am now, and many lbs lighter, ana. btw, i never did try purging, i just couldn't do it... too disgusting.

I don't want to say everything that is on my mind though because I am still skeptical about letting my mind wander on this thing... Maybe when I am older I can publish this into a book and then sell it for millions of dollars as a national bestseller. I hope - correction- I will keep this blog till the end of time. Until my fingers bleed and I am diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel, I will blog.

P.S. never thought of it that way, Cat. now i am that skinny i guess... well good!

PIC: found this gorgeous girl surfing the web... ugh. that would probably be me skinnier.

lets have a party.

well.... im really starting to understand the full of this disease and its entirety. i love it. but at the same time i despise it. its like my relationship with food. i love the taste of butter and chocolate on the tip of my tongue and yet it is enmity that i cant even stand to eat it and i can never enjoy it.

i went to one of my best girlfriend's parties today. it was terrible having to be pressured to eat. now i know exactly what all of you girls mean when you say that other people can ruin your streak. so i actually had to eat half a burger. and even with eating a half of one and a bag of chips they still were like... wow, your so anorexic. i mean seriously! ITS LIKE ANYONE WHO DOESN'T EAT IS AUTOMATICALLY DUBBED... anorexic. it really hurt because at this point in time its true.

so not only that but at her party i find out that my ex forwarded my post breakup txt meant for him to every girl (maybe even guy) in his effing address book. I even told him in it that we could get back together if he proved himself. wont ever happen.

then later after lunch, everyone decided it would be a great idea to talk a walk in their bikinis. i swear. THEY ARE ALL SO FAT, why would they. not only that but it is extremely immodest when half the world is staring at your fat ass in a bathing suit in your neighborhood. so i wore a shirt at the least and we took this slut walk together.

*sigh... i'll just call this a sad post. i mean i'm really disappointed in myself and my friends and my ex. well... tomorrow is another day.

P.S. thank you CAT for finding my blog and yeah... i am beginning to understand now. it isn't some glam skinny bitch's life, its hell.

PIC: the epitome of thin...

decided to make this work

Hey again gals, actually this is the first actual post that is public. I actually want to make this blog work for me. I need to use this as an outlet; to channel my fear, anger, and rants on being thin. My life for me with this blog is anonymous. I'll keep this post short and simple, I want to be thin and I haven't eaten anything all day. I am officially not a wanna-rexic. I have an eating disorder. And it isn't all it's cracked up to be. But I'll record anything I feel or think here, if anyone would take the time to read it (I don't mind, my computer screen can hear just fine...). So it would mean alot to me to follow it. I'm new to this feeling of enjoying hunger; I need support.

Thanks to all, if anyone reads this

PS - this is not a dud of a blog where I will write once a month. I will track everything. stay posted... this isn't the end of me, it's the beginning

damn you lacrosse

There, i cursed. not even really that bad of a curse. so heres what happened. i went to a 4 day lacrosse camp (more like boot camp). it was 6 hours for 4 days in the sweltering heat. for me this was like ana paradise. it was like exercising and sweating for more than 6 hours the day and whenever i exercise it makes me not want to eat!! but it was still too good to be true. at the end of camp i felt so exhausted on the last day that i went to wataburger. freakin... WATABURGER. i had the biggest freaking burger with bacon and cheese and a large french fry... oh my god what was I thinking. I know what i was thinking. you worked so hard honey... you deserve this. no i didn't. if i had not eaten and stuck to my fasting plan i would be 140 right now. well, tomorrow is another day and i plan to stick with this love of a blog. blog your the only thing that matters right now. along with being thin. i'm sorry i'm ranting. please forgive me. i just had to get this of of my "plate" along with that giant burger and fries...