never lose control.

I kinda ate a lot yesterday. Or at least I felt like I did. This morning had just a bowl of cereal. I'm gonna try and go to the YMCA later in the evening (I hate exercising in front of other people you know). I was also thinking of joining a spinning class, like indoor cycling and such. I wonder how it is - one hour locked up in a room with a bunch of bikes and only being able to work out. The only problem is working out in front of other people, even if they are only there for the same reason as you.

I should be able to restrict pretty well today, despite all the goodies that have been mysteriously accumulating various places in my kitchen. My mother always hides food too. Sometimes I feel like I inherited these horrible habits from her, the only difference is that I want so badly not to binge that when I do I'll purge it or spit it out or something. Ughhh, that's what happens when I completely lose control.

Hahah I just noticed that I'm using proper caps in this post. haha :P

I'm gonna keep restricting for the rest of the day.
I will drink at least three glasses of tea.
I will go the gym and bike for at least 25mins w/o stopping.

PICS: First one is Camilla Belle, and although I don't completely admire her filmography, I think she's gorgeous. Second one is from lookbook.nu - love the sight because it's like a huge melting pot of styles draped on lucky, thinspiring people.

line of sight

just a little thinspo. i woke up feeling the urge to eat an extra bowl of cereal. thank god i didn't. all photos courtesy of lookbook.nu. enjoy

oh my god i'm back

wow... its been such a long spring semester of my sophomore year. and now i am officially done. i can't wait to put it all behind me and focus on myself now, not just my grades.

i'll bet that all you readers out there are sick of getting these sparse posts every month and then me randomly returning and saying omggggg i'm backkkkkkk.

well i'm officially back, even if it is just for the summer. I am 5 lbs less than i was at this time last year (still pretty big though :P) and i'm here to get skinny.

it's gonna be rough, this summer.
don't give up.
keep ya posted!

PIC: fashiontoast.com - this girl has the most amazing sense of style, and lucky little body to go with it. sadly all of my other pics from lookbook were rerouted so now all of my old posts have blank images. i think i'll start saving them to my computer :P

want. need. thin,

no real progress but im freaking out because my weight is sooo close to 160. i mean, i've never been 160 before and to me that's like an obese cow. i look at myself in the mirror and i dont really look any different than when i used to be 137 but i feel it. i feel the slight gap that used to be between my legs disappearing. my goal right now is to get skinny.

I want that gap back by spring break.
I will have that gap back by spring break.
I will look at thinspo for punishment for eating.
I will be 140 or below by spring break.
I am fat, I will be thin. No - I MUST be thin.
Il faut que je sois mince.
French people are skinny not fat. I am french I must be skinny.

Haha ok well that last one was a stupid inside joke but I WILL BE SKINNY!!

well readers, stay thin, too!

finally

i have finally decided to get back on the wagon of thinness. i hate being fat. period. i know i haven't posted anything or been on in about 6 months now (school work is KILLING me) but i want to change. i got that weird spazzy thought in my head today. you know: where you are just like, "no, i'm not going to eat, it feels weird."

i have been pretty much being a pig for my long month vacation from my quest for perfection. but thankfully (THANKFULLY!!!) i haven't gained anything (til now because of the stupid holidays). but for the most part i have remained the same, considering i've been a total pig.

but i'm ready to start anew. i hate my fatness and i envy those who are thin. i'm ready to turn myself around. a new me.

p.s. i have a goal date!! yay! i think that was what i was missing before when i attempted to lose. i am going on a cruise during spring break (march 15-20ish?) around then. i WILL be 130 or less by then. it's a long way to go but i'm sitting here feeling the fat all around me and its disgusting. everyone says i'm not fat. my parents think i'm crazy that i think i'm fat. but i am. i will be thin - finally.